Friday, March 16, 2012

The Real Douchebag: Why we shouldn't humour Bob Katter

He's been around for wayyy longer than many people realise, his head is too large for his body, his hat is essential to daily life, and it doesn't take a genius to work out that he must drink enough liquor every night to knock out an eight-metre saltwater crocodile.

He's also been part of the music scene on at least two non-consecutive occasions.
(source)

But there the similarities between cosmopolitan music industry personality Molly Meldrum and socially-backward Federal MP Bob Katter end.

Now that he's managed to wedge himself a disproportionately influential slot in Federal Parliament, Bob Katter seems to be sniffing around on the periphery of just about everything.

Last week, for example, he decided to weigh in on the Queensland State Election by running a smear campaign against conservative candidate Campbell Newman, accusing him of the heinous crime of supporting gay marriage.

Hot topic right now, of course, mainly because the majority of Australians support it. But, much to the chagrin of the entire nation, the whole thing has resulted in Bob Katter being fucking everywhere again... and his seat isn't even up for grabs.

To be clear though, the Federal MP's new novelty political party does actually have candidates running in the Queensland election, so it wasn't totally out of line that he be involved; but Australia could surely have done without the nauseating effort Katter puts into avoiding the shit out of every single bloody interview question he's asked, and the affected indecipherable lunacy that accompanies it.

It's also frustrating because it seems such a no-brainer - and that Katter is simply being a pain in the arse. Again. But like far too many conservative politicians, it's more serious. He is an opportunistic religious hypocrite who has built a career out of the fears of others. He's not quite Pauline Hanson, but at least she was upfront about what she was doing and didn't keep dodging the fucking question.

Bob Katter's rise to national influence - from a belligerent backwater irrelevance to a sought-after Federal chess piece - has revealed his archaic social conservative agenda to the nation. And naturally it's totally out of touch with the nuances of urban life. That's a fact he will happily admit.

The rest of us could probably do without it, but apparently shit flows only one way, and Bob Katter keeps turning up for work regardless.

Son of another bloody politician who had the same name as him and also appears to have also been keen on Rome's Jesus, Bob "The Mad Hatter" Katter has spent his life-long political career operating in the middle of Queensland's Gulf Country. His electorate is nearly 600,000 km² big with ~0.15 voters per km².

Hanging out with his other constituents

In other words: almost no other cunts live there, and those that do are hardly likely to be authorities on matters of social intercourse. It's a distant land that, even today, remains frontier country.

Katter and his party are having a sook because they reckon that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

The rest of the Western world have totally agreed to do that, and of that 'rest', the majority of us are all like 'hey dudes, we should let gay dudes and lesbians etc marry as well cause, if that's what they want to do, who gives a fuck anyway!?'

As has been pointed out a million times by the entire fucking Internet, marriage equality offers only opportunities for people - no disadvantages.

With the whole equality thing, NO ONE IS OPPRESSED AT ALL and nobody would take anything away from anybody else. Not rights, not money, not any of the things people care about.

Unless they're a bigot with too much pride and zero empathy.

On this issue, Bob Katter is being a total fucking bigot, seemingly just for the sake of it, and he is happy to publicly fall out with his own brother over it, but still have "family values" as a core policy and justification for his opinion. Right.

It is almost certain that the more Katter acts like a total wanker, the more votes his novelty party will get from the other socially-retarded bigots on the electoral roll in Queensland. Ultimately they pay his salary. The system works!

And indeed, history has proven the sheer number of redneck voters available and ready to go to the polls in that state to be nothing short of astounding. There is a booming market for baffling idiocy in Queensland.

Irony: Do you speak it?!

It's all a bit of a drag, really, especially for those of us left-leaning legends who were initially piqued by some of Bob Katter's other policies in the wake of last year's election - in particular, his economic outlook almost seemed progressive. What the fuck?

Initially there were suggestions that it might be amusing, even handy, to have a boorish good-ol'-uncle from the Gulf Country in the headlines, diggin' out old socialist economic ideas that nobody had the balls to talk about lest Rupert Murdoch's vicious reactionary machinery launched a relentless McCarthiest assault in their general direction. (It wouldn't be the first time!)

It is, for example, increasingly becoming apparent that the Australian community would have done better to hold onto particular sovereign assets, rather than relinquishing them all willy-nilly in a full-pelt rush to compete on global markets.

Katter's old school. He is all for standing up to privatisation, he wants a moratorium on coal seam gas (but hates the 'greenies' of course), and he's a fan of collective bargaining. He seemed to be a baffling mix of economic justice [protectionism actually] and social disruption. With a big fucking hat.

Sadly though, the novelty of Bob Katter: Flamboyant Über Hick evaporated pretty quickly once the cold reality of the man's old school settler colonist outlook became clear. It's all the wrong kinds of Jesus - and it's easy to forget that the early Australian Labor Party, with whom both Katter and his old man had links - could certainly devolve into a pack of racist cunts when they wanted to.

It's a little-known fact that the whole 'bourgeois' thing was actually an international conspiracy orchestrated from Peking by a small group of interstellar reptiles, cunningly disguised as 19th Century Chinese smack fiends
(source)

With this in mind, it's entirely possible to suggest that Bob Katter's seemingly 'progressive' return to community-based economic policy is in fact not a 'return' at all. He has all the hallmarks of a massively conservative Stubborn Fuck mentality whose ideas haven't changed since the 1940s.

Perhaps the banks, while they were swindling the rest of the world with neoliberalism, just didn't really bother going all the way out to Cloncurry to argue with people who hung out all day in 50°C heat with nothing but their cattle, their guns and their seemingly infinite hectares of infertile soil.

Or... maybe they figured they could just go out there a couple of decades later and start extracting natural gas from right underneath the farmers' noses, on their own lands, without even having to ask their freakin' permission.

But look, if we're being honest with ourselves, the economy, in whatever form, is nothing without quality of life - and that is what Katter is vigorously striving to deny others through his relentless opposition to marriage equality.

And, of course, Bob is more than happy to bandy around his electorate's truly epic suicide problems as his pet local sob-story whenever it suits him.

The Internet has done my work for me
(source)

So yeah, despite all his rhetoric about the importance of marriage and family stability, he seems oblivious to the idea that happiness and security in relationships is in fact a... oh, dare I say it - 'pro-life' stance.

By which I mean, 'pro-' the actual meanings of life. Like being happy and fulfilled and all that.

Take that shit away and the desire to live decreases. It's a fucking no-brainer. These 19th Century social mores that Katter is spruiking are inherently intolerant, therefore they decrease the value of life all round.

And, really, who gives a fuck about the economy, or anything else, if you're not gonna be happy either way?

ANYWAY folks reward yourself with this:


PS: just in case you missed it at the beginning.... BOB KATTER EGGED THE FUCKING BEATLES. And he brags about it. What a douche.

It's not that you're smarter than Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson fans, it's just that you're a miserable bastard, dead set

Alright cynics, because you're so smart, what's this 'we' business I keep hearing about?


CONDESCENDING WONKA > YOU < HOUSTON/JACKO FANS
(image source: meme)
For instance;
Oh, yesterday 'we' were 'all' ragging on old Houston over there for being on drugs and having a stupid husband and being in that awful show and now everyone loooves her - this always happens. **
'We' yourself. I've never seen that show, and I don't read celebrity magazines or any of that fucking garbage, and I don't want to.

Quite frankly, yesterday I was sitting around not caring about adult-oriented pop divas, and tomorrow I will be sitting around not caring about adult-oriented pop divas.

Today though, I might consider - maybe - giving an Internet high-five to an entertainer I remember from when I was a kid who was quite an impressive singer, if you look at it honestly, and has, y'know, JUST DIED.

Of course everybody is going to be talking about Whitney Houston today, because everyone over the age of fifteen knows who she is. At the very least, there is a strong collective memory of hearing That Song From The Bodyguard butchered at karaoke - over, and over, and over again.

Like it or not, Comic Book Guy, Houston is a memorable part of the Western capitalist community's collective psyche - ie. pop culture - and she could, let's face it, perform that song better than anyone either of us have ever met.

'So what?' you ask belligerently in response, 'diva pop sucks arse and it gives me a headache. Why don't more people watch 80s B-Grade horror films on VHS? There's a decline in the popularity of marijuana,' and then you will inevitably go on to indicate in the general direction of Michael Jackson.

But Jacko simply serves to consolidate my point.

When Michael Jackson died, did you really want people to sit there going...
DEAD? GOOD! I READ MICHAEL JACKSON WAS A WEIRDO! I SAW IT ON TELEVISION AND IT WAS REPEATEDLY PRESENTED TO ME AS A PLAUSIBLE POSSIBILITY. HE LOOKS UNUSUAL TO ME, AND AS SUCH I'VE VERY LITTLE DOUBT THAT HE FUCKS CHILDREN AND FOR THAT REASON THEY SHOULD JUST DUMP HIS BODY SOMEWHERE AND EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK SHOULD SHUT UP AND STOP FAKING IT - AND THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR SINGING ABOUT PEACE ON EARTH ANYWAY - VOTE GINGRICH!
...is that actually what is expected?

Because for those people with functioning brains and an actual hubris-melting butter knife, it's probably more like...
HOLY SHIT, THAT GUY!! HE DIED ALREADY?! THAT'S MESSED UP, MAN, I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA BE AROUND FOREVER. I GREW UP WITH THAT GUY, HE WAS THE BEST. REMEMBER HOW HE WAS BLACK AND THEN HE WENT WHITE, AND THEN HE PUT OUT A SONG CALLED 'BLACK OR WHITE'? WTF. HE INFLUENCED A WHOLE GENERATION! DO YOU REMEMBER HOW RAD THRILLER WAS? IT'S THE LARGEST SELLING ALBUM OF ALL TIME AND THE CLIP'S LIKE A MOVIE; HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYONE DANCE LIKE THAT EVER!?! HOW DID HE PERFORM LIKE THAT? WTF. NOONE CAN EVER ASK HIM THESE THINGS NOW. NOT THAT THEY COULD ANYWAY. IT MUST NOT HAVE BEEN EASY, POOR GUY, NO CHILDHOOD - HIS DAD WAS THE WORST JERK TOO. I BET ALL THAT PAEDO STUFF WAS MADE UP BY TRASHMAGS. I'M GLAD I'VE STILL GOT HISTORY ON CASSETTE... I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS - I'M'A PUT IT ON TO CELEBRATE THEN I'M'A GO OUT DANCING WITH 250 OTHER PEOPLE MY AGE WHOSE LIVES THIS GUY ALSO INFLUENCED!! (and hopefully we will all get cute Instagram shots and have group sex with peeps from WAAPA)
Do you really want to take away people's ability to empathise with someone who spent the majority of their life as a cog in a machine that ultimately crushed their spirit entirely? All for other people's amusement and material gain, mind.

"Hmmm, this newly developed worrrrm should make light work of anyone who discusses the death of Robert Smith and is not running Linux"
(image source: fuckin' televison)

Look, I haven't seen or heard anything about either Whitney Houston or Michael Jackson since the tail-end of their successees in the early 1990s - y'know, back when they were doing stuff - but the point is, they actually stood up and did it, and in both cases paid the price major league styles.

...as opposed to your achievement at, what, making people feel like shit for evaluating and celebrating another person's legacy at the point of their death?

FOOTNOTES:

** Not a real quote but a guy said basically that on Twitter and besides, we've all made this mistake at some point. YES WE ALL HAVE DONE IT
Article originally published elsewhere, Monday 13 February 2012 at 0333

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

LIBRARIES 'STEALING', SAYS RIGHT-WING LOON

By A VACUOUS NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD JOURNALISM GRAD, SYDNEY

IN borrowing books without charge, library members worldwide are stealing money from hard-working multinational publishing houses, a right-wing lunatic said today.

"our primary objective is to reduce the intelligence quotient of the planet to that of a pre-industrial Down Syndrome bonobo menagerie... BUT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE WE ARE DOING THEM A FAVOUR"

The lunatic, who has recently been totally legitimised by our relentless uncritical coverage of his specious but egoistically appealing claptrap, claims book borrowing practices endemic in Australia are undermining an equitable freemarket system, somehow causing NAB and Westpac to raise their interest rates - but only for loans, not deposits.

Such results have, he stresses, absolutely fuck-all to do with said banks - or their CEOs, who dine regularly with our editorial staff - and whose employees are all harmless smiling tellers who are responsible members of your local community and could easily be donning their maroon blazers right now in the house next door to you. They could even be your wife, or husband, or someone else related to you! Do you love them or not?!

Anyway - over the forthcoming two fiscal quarters, if this newspaper hypothetically agreed with the lunatic's theory, then we would definitely recommend that you - the reader - do the following:

  • cease all borrowing of library books immediately;
  • commence homo-baiting of all library members, librarians and people who clean libraries - call them totes poofters;
  • use your facebook to label all library-frequenters 'fucking bludgers' - really ride the guilt trip home by quoting AM radio shock-jocks verbatim;
  • if you work on site or in a warehouse, fear not, we have skin-mags avail w/ articles about the awesomeness of guns, necrotoxins and, incidentally, the homosexuality of libraries - remember, we're currently positioning gay dudes as evil, not zany-cool, that's next week's edition;
  • FOUR WORDS: THEY TOOK OUR JOBS; and...
  • we'll do the rest ;) - by which we mean, hypothetically we would do the rest if we agreed with this but as objective journalists we are simply prioritising the lunatic's opinion, not quoting his detractors unless we can present them as being insane, and framing headlines in such a way that the fact that the opinion is the lunatic's rather than ours is incidental to the impact upon the reader's consciousness... look, just back off, Jonathan Holmes, you trapesium-faced communist - your job is next
EDITED - OK FOR PRESS - GINA xxx

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

We believed the lies of arseholes and now we have blood on our hands and no info?

Oh, here we fucking go.

Look at Old Mate here galloping on about copyright protections and piracy prevention!

Yeah yeah yeah - we've heard it all before.

At least this dickhead isn't parading around talking about paedos this time.
Source: here.

Don't get me wrong - I very much value the entertainment market - but one can tell that this is not what this SOPA bullshit is about, at all, due to the fact that a CEO said he wanted it to happen "in order to provide jobs"

The minute a CEO says it's about jobs, it is almost always in the interests of ordinary people - workers and professionals - to do the exact opposite of what they say.

Employees are totally expendable.

Look at forestry. We were told for years it was about job protection. Eventually the whole thing was mechanised and now they employ like ten people and the community - ecologically, financially, ethically - has lost everything.

The same thing will happen in the resource sector. Just watch.

These corporations know very well that the Internet is a force for change and they'll say anything they can in an attempt to have it regulated Big China styles so they can keep on fucking everybody over in order to increase shareholder value for the next financial quarter.

Just cause this guy is in music doesn't mean the same corp doesn't also own chemical weapons factories - it's all integrated.

If the mainstream music industry is losing money, it is almost certainly due to the fact that mainstream music is totally, and completely, fucking shit.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It was Kronic stupidity.

The reprehensible censorship employed by the Barnett government in response to The Bakery's planned Kronic Blowout show back in June will no doubt be remembered well by those reading this a few months later. For those who aren't familiar with the story, have a gander at my previous post on the topic here.

Vicious colonial scumbucket Rob Johnson: In charge of W.A. State violence
(source)

As I was cleaning out my inbox tonight I came across this press release... whether it ever made it to the actual press, I don't know, but here it is for posterity.

Kron Voyage
Is the government out of control in the West???
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Kronic Blowout cancelled by WA State Government
Is the government out of control in the West???
The WA State Government banned Kronic (synthetic weed) in Western Australia on Monday but couldn’t introduce the ban officially/legally until Friday at which time it becomes an illegal substance in Western Australia. 
Headliners Perth based reggae/dub band SUNSHINE BROTHERS and nu-soul act COSMO GETS decided to have a laugh about it and accepted my offer to perform at a Kronic Blowout to welcome in the prohibition, have a laugh and make a point. 
The irony is that the bulk of the demand for Kronic was generated in the first place by sensationalist and ever more meaningless mainstream media reports and the pursuant bumbling press releases from the Government agencies. 
The media & government PROMOTED it to the people in a frenzy nearly matching the unbelievably tawdry planking episode. 
The result of this totally legal party being advertised was a MASSIVE over-reaction by media, numerous ministers & government agencies and finally this afternoon the police with support of the director of liquor licensing stepped in to ban the event under very, very shaky application of the law. 
Early this afternoon the police visited the venue and requested that they shut down for 24 hours under section 114 of the liquor act  
LIQUOR CONTROL ACT 1988 - SECT 114
114 . Closure of licensed premises by police
(1) Where a member of the Police Force for the time being on duty at any place has reasonable grounds for believing that at or in the vicinity of that place — 
(a) civil disorder, a breach of the peace or a threat to public safety is occurring or is likely to occur; and 
(b) in the interests of maintaining the peace or ensuring public safety it is or may be desirable that licensed premises be closed, 
that person may require the licensee, or an employee or agent of the licensee, to close the licensed premises or a part of those premises, or to cease the sale, supply or consumption of liquor (including the sale of packaged liquor) on or from the premises or a part of the premises, for a specified period or until further notice, and a person who, without reasonable cause, contravenes a requirement so made commits an offence.
This is a completely legal show making a valid social and political comment. 
If they are arguing that Kronic – a currently legal substance itself by their own bumbling laws – risks public safety does that mean that all liquor licenses selling alcohol or permitting smoking which is also legal should be shut immediately? 
There was no indication of any kind that any kind of trouble would eventuate from this show and no real grounds to stop it in this way.  
The decision implies that intelligent adults who got the joke and were keen for a night out are in some way violent or below the law or sub-standard is completely horrendous. 
Sometime [sic] you feel like you are free to comment in this country or to engage in mild satire but you clearly are not when it comes to the WA Government.
You think before saying or doing ANYTHING that our government would be smart enough to read very balanced and SCIENTIFIC Global Commission Report on Drugs prepared by global leaders, health experts etc so they are fully informed about the bigger picture and the shortfalls in policy rather than focussing on the minutia of Kronic and a single night concert making a point and having a laugh at a government with no real concept of what needs to be done. 
Do they actually think Kronic is a preferred drug or just something that people who like and want to smoke natural, real weed who don’t want to get busted use to get a little high every now and then. 
Read the major report on drugs – it pretty much comes up with the opposite conclusion to our government policy
Downloadable [here]

I never did find out who Kron Voyage was, but they disappeared off Facebook pretty quickly, as did later attempts to encourage people to Dress Homeless For CHOGM...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"Be excellent to each other": 'Progress' as Actual Progress, rather than just being the word developers use whenever they want to wreck your shit

Progress is only actually progress if the resulting situation is better than the original was.

For example, the Citibank building in Perth is not progress when compared to the vastly superior Moir Chambers that once stood in its place. LOOK AT THAT SHIT. Fuck Citibank.

Citibank:
today your architecture
tomorrow the world

UPDATE: 29 October 2011 - Correction: Citibank actually took over the building after the new one was built. The new building was originally known as the 'New T & G Building.' Irrespective of this, the building is an architectural clusterfuck - an inferior shoebox - and regardless, Citibank can go get fucked for all of the many dubious things that they have done over the years. Both the building and the new owners suck arse.

Similarly, your monocultural pine plantation was a backwards move because the original wilderness was simply better, providing a thriving ecosystem that benefitted not just humanity but also the millions of life forms themselves.

What's that, multinational timber mill guy, you think you're better than them?

Listen, douchebag, your products suck and your mill is manned by robots and computers... so quit trying to manipulate your workers, whom you rip off with your stingy wages, into violently defending your share price.

Fuck your share price. If your company doesn't exist for the public good then it sucks and should be closed down.

The entire share market is based on fiat capital which doesn't really exist. Fiat capital is based on debt, and nothing else.

Therefore not only is it not REAL, the current economic structure is INFERIOR to the gold standard we had before, and was set up only to benefit aristocrats.

The capitalist fiat notion of 'economy' sucks and is not progressive.

It was originally all just based on British aristocrats enclosing The Commons and taking what was everyone's and making it their own.

Classism is pretty much the bullshit that fuels non-progressive politics. It's the aristocrats trying to maintain power. If they can't do it through force they do it through lies, such as organised religion.

What a crock of shit.

Now, before you start, I'm not valorising the working class. They are generally less educated and violent, and easily manipulated, and don't have the start-up capital to affect real change that the versatile middle classes do.

Plus most of them are now the pawns of aristocrats through their mindless brand loyalty; and the inherant anger that has them listening to mean-spirited wankers like Alan Jones and voting for neo-conservative creeps like Tony Abbott.

Fuck all neo-cons. Allowing homos to marry, for example, and other forms of legal social equity are advantageous to society because they spread love, not fear.

No true progress comes from fear.

War sucks for this reason and is just an excuse for non-progressive, non-accountable corporations to increase their share price in an economy that doesn't exist. It's the most transparent thing ever. Fuck you, Dick Cheney.

The government's role should be to keep such corporations (and real estate developers) in line, and also to act as a community chest enabling every citizen of the planet to be fed, clothed, educated, at least have a roof over their head and have access to water and cheap utilities and to be able to go to the hospital when they're sick either for free, or for cheap, or at the very least without upfront payment.

For this reason, paying tax is actually cool so long as the money is going to the correct places and not pumped into bullshit like the police force.

For god's sake, how many more times do we need to see the police used for the sole purpose of protecting the aforementioned Aristocrats of Big Capital before people learn to critically analyse the situation.

The people with the guns are not your friends.

They are trained to hate you, and assume you are a criminal, to further the power of politicians and big business who, let's face it, are in bed together nine times out of ten, trying to make the world more shit--as I asserted above.

To prevent this, and to ensure the aforementioned positive uses of government, we should all be mindful to engage in a popular, pluralist democracy based on education, rationalism, empathy, responsibility and peace.

You are not an individual floating in space alone. Your lifespan is brief but your influence can be significant. Use it wisely. And, for god's sake, don't be some Prince's pawn.

In closing, feel free to disregard the above. If all else fails, have a sick time with cunts. Even if they're aristocrats. Friendship is mutually beneficial and a totally progressive situation.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

This Disgusting Pig Must Go

As news comes in hard and fast this morning about Barnett's thugs dragging protesters into cars at James Price Point, it's worth reflecting what we've gotten ourselves into.

I'd apologise to Fat Mike but he's an arrogant cunt and so am I.
  • Kimberley Land Grab where our state police are being used to protect Woodside's interests
  • Unadulterated corruption and collusion between the state and mining companies.
  • The introduction and subsequent cross-pollination of genetically-modified canola into the state's food supply.
  • The concurrent sale of our public food assets to Monsanto, of all people.
  • Collusion with real estate developers to turn land, which was bequeathed to the state under the condition that it never be developed, into a private canal estate in the middle of Rockingham.
  • Consistant attempts on behalf of Police Minister Rob Johnson to remove the presumption of innocence from a wide range of laws: this includes his failed Stop & Search legislation, temporary CHOGM laws as well as a range of traffic and other legislation.
  • Failure to ensure that our hospitals and prisons are owned by the community, not sold to profiteering cowboys.
  • Consistant disrespect of our state's traditional owners and an utter disregard for everybody else. A perpetuation of imperial mores that belong in the 19th Century.
It's time to fucking go, Colin. Enjoy your cushy retirement job as a "consultant" to Woodside.