Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Abbott defends Government's new Bible character

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today broke his media silence in defence of the Government's new Bible character, Greg Bethlehem.

The new character, which was announced as part of the incumbent regime's $600 billion high-school education clusterfunk, will sport a red "speedo" cock-jock bathing costume and a sensibly-rogue 1940s haircut.

New Bible character Greg Bethlehem collects his "poonani reward"
The Gallipoli-born Greg Bethlehem is credited in the Book of Menzies with saving the helpless Virgin Mary from drowning in the Dead Sea, where she failed to swim properly because she is a woman.

Bethlehem then "totally nails that sluzza" before ditching her at Stereosonic 6BC.

Mr Abbott said it was "...important that Australians be represented in the Bible" before saying that it was "just a story," and then also denying that it was "just a story," and then kind-of just standing there for a bit, swaying.

Australian journalists tonight remained tight-lipped, mostly focussed on keeping their jobs and thinking about how fucked-up they're gonna get this weekend.


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Here we go again! - Wellard For Gillard!

If you're reading this you may-or-may-not be familiar with my band for many years, which was Project Mayhem. Back in 2009, when hot ranga Julia Gillard was simply the Deputy Prime Minister, Deputy head honcho of the Labor Party, Minister for Education, Employment and Workplace Relations, Social Inclusion and the federal division of Lalor - all simultaneously - we wrote this song...

Later there was a leadership spill and she replaced local walnut Kevin Rudd as Prime Minister. She was of the centre-left, politically, so the Murdoch press relentlessly harassed her during her entire tenure.

The thinking, in the mind of the leather-skinned reptile, was that Australians were fucking stupid; that the inherent insecurity of the Australian male could be harnessed and manifested by the use of some good old-fashion sexism - and that the Australian female, not wanting to rock the boat too much, would probably allow the shit to stick.

That's what happened, plus Kevin Rudd was a cunt, so in June 2013 he caused a leadership spill and got his old job back. Then Australia went to the polls, and fulfilled Rupert Murdoch's wish of voting an absolute fucking lunatic into power who would do what was in everybody's worst interests socially while allowing big business to dig up the ground and sell it to China basically un-taxed.

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially us, because we can say we predicted the whole Julia-becoming-PM thing.

Check us on Facebook here.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Instead, I wrote "Mother Nature will have Her Revenge on Old Fatty"

I was actually pretty glad that the culmination of my recent travels to the Eastern Seaboard coincided with the 2013 Western Australian State Election, because it meant I was able to volunteer to wear the Green shirt again, even if just for a few hours.

Over the past couple of years I've invested a lot of my time and mind into slamming this incumbent government, so it was good to be back for the fall-out--and besides, one of my buddies was running.

Anyway, the result was, from my perspective, a monstrous disaster. I make no qualms about that being my position. I was really bummed out when the news started coming through. I guess I still am.

As a student of postmodern thought, it straightaway struck me that perhaps in kicking against the pricks so hard, we've created another monster. We've made him stronger.

Another Howard, Nixon, Reagan, Menzies, Thatcher etc - come to life like those Simpsons billboards in that Halloween episode where Paul Anka saves the town from destruction.

Well... if it'll end horror...
At the end of it all, instead of retiring to my Batcave to pour thousands of words of scorn and analysis onto this awful situation, I just wrote a song instead.

Here it is. It's slower than you might expect, I'll admit. But it's a savage response to a terrible result. The whole thing sucks. So I'm gonna walk away...

...but Mother Nature Will Have Her Revenge On Old Fatty.

Well, if that's what we get for focussing on The Monster
You'll excuse me while I put that Abbott out of my mind
It's not I don't care or I'm not petrified
Re: our country's Great Slide - our moral decline
But Barnett & Howard have proven that people are dumb

Watching TV they get filled with ideas that aren't real
Like the pastors of old laid down fire and brimstone with great zeal
And the Christians believe that their one Jewish god is just chock full of love
But he's a vengeful old sod - when it comes to the crunch
They're the ones that'll drown in the flood

And life will go on
Just as it always has before
And the tides will roll in
Just as they always have before

So, ga'arn, treat my country the way that she's never deserved
You can rape, you can pillage people and the natural world
In the face of Earth's doom, you can Wittenoom Broome
In the hope that you'll go to some afterlife soon
But you'll get the same hell wealthy Mayans would have faced as they fell…

You'll watch the jungle close in
Just as it always has before
And the waters will rise
Just as they always have before

Even if you succeed in replacing the forests with weeds
When the rivers are dead and your ego's been fed
Begging, poisoned, on your knees
When the Earth finally dies with no tears in her eyes
Just a hollowed-out hide - hey, but at least we tried!
Somewhere far off in space in a temperate place
Comets rain from the sky

And life will go on
Just as it always has before
And the rains will come down
Just as they always have
And you will be forgotten
That's for sure.

Music & lyrics ©2013 Benny Mayhem. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, February 8, 2013

On the matter of Abbott and the Big Business agenda.

In response to a NineMSN article entitled Abbott To Cut Australia In Half**

(image source)
This is what they mean by dog-whistle politics, I think.

Dress it up as a "development plan" - whole reports, thousands of meaningless words in length - make it seem reasonable and always deny what is really going on: a well-orchestrated pillaging of the nation's resources by a lunatic big business minority (who consider themselves an aristocracy) at the expense of working people and the nation, not to mention the ongoing criminal theft from Aboriginal people of their lands and cultures.

Hunter Thompson talked about "...the built-in blind spots of the Objective rules and dogma" that allowed convicted felon Richard Nixon to "slither into" power and we would be fools par excellance to allow ourselves to ever fall into the same trap.

Never forget what's really going on: that Rinehart is a daughter following directly in the footsteps of a man who wanted to sterilise native peoples to extinguish their very existance, let alone native title.

That he - Lang Hancock - founded the asbestos mines at Whitenoom, in the Western Australian north.

That Julie Bishop defended the Whitenoom companies in court while mesothelioma victims literally died before justice could be brought.

And that Abbott - unscrupulous and drunk with power - is happily their mouthpiece. He is a dangerous lunatic and should never be allowed to creep his way into the Lodge on a protest vote.

No. Fracking. Way.

**since retitled Abbott backs away from 'move north' plan...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Feedback Provided to a Customer Service Team Plebeian of a Major Australian Supermarket by the Pioneering Philanthropist, Mr. E.B. Fuckwad III, Esq.

How the fuck may I help you today?

Q: You indicated that you were unhappy with the self-checkout experience. Please let us know exactly what the problem was.

A: Oh, look mate, what I am unhappy with is the very concept of self-checkouts.

Now, I'm sure you have some public relations line about my convenience and my comfort and my freedom, and my choices and my democracy and ALL THE SAVINGS PASSED ON TO YOU MATE!

So let's assume that you've already handed me that line, and I've nodded my head along already and gone "yes," and "yes," and "yes," and "oh, yeah, totally. I'm sorry. It's fine," and I've not been rude about it because you're just a person and you don't make the rules but you have a job to do hey.

Let's get past that. I understand. After all, my great uncle, the Twelfth Lord of Fuckwad, was just doing his job too when he sold all that specially-patented nerve gas to The Bosch!

Source: http://pierreswesternfront.punt.nl/_files/2008-02-12/huisdoorn2-image010.jpg
You just could not say no to that 'stache!

Max lulz they were, back in '14, but times have changed, baby, and you're lucky I'm the Gen Y, Bransonesque Young Fuckwad of Fuckwad Hall.

For now though we are down at the pub where you're in the process of getting plastered and admitting to me that you hate your job, you hate the company and you hate the rut you're stuck in. 

And now that we're down to brass tacks, we both know that the real issue here is that you're working for one half of a corporate duopoly who are holding Australia's food supply to ransom - that is, when they're not shutting down our pubs and turning them into bulk liquor warehouses.

Never mind the customer, yo' company's sole moral imperative is the quarterly increase of sharemarket value, and blah blah blah as previously discussed on Australia's famous Boom Town Rocks blog.

Source: Twitter
WA Young Liberals' dickbag Theopolis Thornton's 2011 UWA thesis
Serfdom Revisited: The Importance of Fiscal Inequity in
Maintaining Dominance over the Lower Orders of Man
was a seminal inspiration.
In pursuit of this, some 20-year-old, paid-up-front, Curtin University commerce graduate joker has dedicated his honours year to the production of a verbose and Machiavellian cost-benefit analysis that demonstrates the net profit created through swift and immediate investment in the manufacture and implementation and maintenance of these newfangled machines...

These machines would now save shareholders precious coinage: The most important thing in the world.

Precious, precious coinage that would have otherwise been spent providing stable, full-time employment to the two dozen staff per store that you've just retrenched nationwide.

So in order to save yourselves some quid (you're the company now fella, patience running out) I HAVE TO DO THE FUCKING WORK INSTEAD - as if I didn't hate the shops enough already - meanwhile the right of local, slackjawed Year 10 Dropouts to go "How's ya father?" while old people fumble about with their pension money, has been severely curtailed.

This ain't in the community's interest at all mate.

Source: http://resources1.news.com.au/images/2008/09/08/va1237329037509/Self-service-checkout-at-Woolworths-6239041.jpg
But I'm rich, I'm hip, and I'm a man of charity, so I tell you what I'm gonna do.

Thanks to the classic British scholarship of my dutifully loyal, well-paid assistant Clarice, I have here in my lemon-scented hands a carefully-maintained logbook detailing every minute of the previous two financial years that I have spent,  personally sorting my own shit out at your cash registers, because you want to save some fucking money on staff.

Well, I'll actually save you some money, because I'm not particularly efficient at grocery bag packing, so I'm happy to only invoice you for the minimum retail award rate for this labour which I have nonetheless dutifully performed on your behalf. I am happy to waive leave and other entitlements too, 'cause I'm your buddy, mate, how's your pint?

So, please see attached for my invoice, and be advised that I will be employing Egyptian mercenaries to follow up personally with your Chief Executive Officer if the bill is not sorted within 14 days.

Remember, kid, shit flows downhill, and these men have a fondness for crippling call centre operators. Just putting that out there. But I do apologise for the urgency fella. Business is business, you know?

Source: http://usedwigs.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/todd_maragret.jpg
Sorrrrry about that !
Oh… and, back to the pub. ... that nervousness you feel? Probably exacerbated by the liquid LSD in your beer. Yep, just before. Did you not taste it? Lol, no, it wasn't me. I don't do that sort of thing. But I did see it - yes! - and I might have even arranged it - and how! But if you look at your phone there, fella, I've just dialled your boss, actually. It's on speakerphone. Shit's about to get real.

And so I really must dash, but have a wonderful day. And don't worry about the tipple. I'll pick up the tab - lol

Yours sincerely,

Eric Bloomfield Fuckwad III, Esq.
of the Moral Order of the Wedding Night Garter;
Dated this 15th day of January 2013;
Fuckwad Hall at Ecgzford, Herefordshire, Berks.