Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Feedback Provided to a Customer Service Team Plebeian of a Major Australian Supermarket by the Pioneering Philanthropist, Mr. E.B. Fuckwad III, Esq.

How the fuck may I help you today?

Q: You indicated that you were unhappy with the self-checkout experience. Please let us know exactly what the problem was.

A: Oh, look mate, what I am unhappy with is the very concept of self-checkouts.

Now, I'm sure you have some public relations line about my convenience and my comfort and my freedom, and my choices and my democracy and ALL THE SAVINGS PASSED ON TO YOU MATE!

So let's assume that you've already handed me that line, and I've nodded my head along already and gone "yes," and "yes," and "yes," and "oh, yeah, totally. I'm sorry. It's fine," and I've not been rude about it because you're just a person and you don't make the rules but you have a job to do hey.

Let's get past that. I understand. After all, my great uncle, the Twelfth Lord of Fuckwad, was just doing his job too when he sold all that specially-patented nerve gas to The Bosch!

Source: http://pierreswesternfront.punt.nl/_files/2008-02-12/huisdoorn2-image010.jpg
You just could not say no to that 'stache!

Max lulz they were, back in '14, but times have changed, baby, and you're lucky I'm the Gen Y, Bransonesque Young Fuckwad of Fuckwad Hall.

For now though we are down at the pub where you're in the process of getting plastered and admitting to me that you hate your job, you hate the company and you hate the rut you're stuck in. 

And now that we're down to brass tacks, we both know that the real issue here is that you're working for one half of a corporate duopoly who are holding Australia's food supply to ransom - that is, when they're not shutting down our pubs and turning them into bulk liquor warehouses.

Never mind the customer, yo' company's sole moral imperative is the quarterly increase of sharemarket value, and blah blah blah as previously discussed on Australia's famous Boom Town Rocks blog.

Source: Twitter
WA Young Liberals' dickbag Theopolis Thornton's 2011 UWA thesis
Serfdom Revisited: The Importance of Fiscal Inequity in
Maintaining Dominance over the Lower Orders of Man
was a seminal inspiration.
In pursuit of this, some 20-year-old, paid-up-front, Curtin University commerce graduate joker has dedicated his honours year to the production of a verbose and Machiavellian cost-benefit analysis that demonstrates the net profit created through swift and immediate investment in the manufacture and implementation and maintenance of these newfangled machines...

These machines would now save shareholders precious coinage: The most important thing in the world.

Precious, precious coinage that would have otherwise been spent providing stable, full-time employment to the two dozen staff per store that you've just retrenched nationwide.

So in order to save yourselves some quid (you're the company now fella, patience running out) I HAVE TO DO THE FUCKING WORK INSTEAD - as if I didn't hate the shops enough already - meanwhile the right of local, slackjawed Year 10 Dropouts to go "How's ya father?" while old people fumble about with their pension money, has been severely curtailed.

This ain't in the community's interest at all mate.

Source: http://resources1.news.com.au/images/2008/09/08/va1237329037509/Self-service-checkout-at-Woolworths-6239041.jpg
But I'm rich, I'm hip, and I'm a man of charity, so I tell you what I'm gonna do.

Thanks to the classic British scholarship of my dutifully loyal, well-paid assistant Clarice, I have here in my lemon-scented hands a carefully-maintained logbook detailing every minute of the previous two financial years that I have spent,  personally sorting my own shit out at your cash registers, because you want to save some fucking money on staff.

Well, I'll actually save you some money, because I'm not particularly efficient at grocery bag packing, so I'm happy to only invoice you for the minimum retail award rate for this labour which I have nonetheless dutifully performed on your behalf. I am happy to waive leave and other entitlements too, 'cause I'm your buddy, mate, how's your pint?

So, please see attached for my invoice, and be advised that I will be employing Egyptian mercenaries to follow up personally with your Chief Executive Officer if the bill is not sorted within 14 days.

Remember, kid, shit flows downhill, and these men have a fondness for crippling call centre operators. Just putting that out there. But I do apologise for the urgency fella. Business is business, you know?

Source: http://usedwigs.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/todd_maragret.jpg
Sorrrrry about that !
Oh… and, back to the pub. ... that nervousness you feel? Probably exacerbated by the liquid LSD in your beer. Yep, just before. Did you not taste it? Lol, no, it wasn't me. I don't do that sort of thing. But I did see it - yes! - and I might have even arranged it - and how! But if you look at your phone there, fella, I've just dialled your boss, actually. It's on speakerphone. Shit's about to get real.

And so I really must dash, but have a wonderful day. And don't worry about the tipple. I'll pick up the tab - lol

Yours sincerely,

Eric Bloomfield Fuckwad III, Esq.
of the Moral Order of the Wedding Night Garter;
Dated this 15th day of January 2013;
Fuckwad Hall at Ecgzford, Herefordshire, Berks.